~Sermonsnacks Publishing~

I heard a story recently about a young girl who wrote a letter to a missionary to let him know that her class had been praying for him. But evidently she'd been told not to request a response to her letter because the missionaries were very busy. So the missionary got a kick out of her letter.

It said, "Dear Mr. Missionary, we are praying for you. But we are not expecting an answer."

    — Author Unknown

The new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday school. The teacher introduced him and said, "Pastor, this morning we're studying Joshua."
"That's wonderful," said the new pastor, "let's see what you're learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?"
Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, "Pastor, I didn't do it."
Taken aback, the pastor asked, "Come on, now, who tore down the walls of Jericho?"
The teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Billy's a good boy. If he says he didn't do it, I believe he didn't do it."
Flustered, the pastor went to the Sunday school director and related the story to him.
The director, looking worried, explained, "Well, sir, we've had some problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him and see what we can do."
Really bothered now by the answers of the teacher and the director, the new pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story, including the responses of the teacher and the director.
A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said, "Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that."

From: www.Crosswalk.com/You make me laugh

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite with Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, Remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven. It's free!"

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!

One hot day a young seminarian was taking it easy in the shade of a walnut tree. After a time he started eyeing speculatively the huge pumpkins growing on vines and the small walnuts growing on a majestic tree.

Sometimes I just can't understand the ways of God, He mused. Just fancy letting tiny walnuts grow on so majestic a tree and huge pumpkins on the delicate vines!

Just then a walnut snapped off and fell smack on the seminarian's bald head. He got up at once and lifting up his hands and face to heavens in supplication, said:

"Oh, God! Forgive my questioning your ways! You are all-wise. Where would I have been now if pumpkins grew on trees!"

 Cited on WITandWISDOM by Richard Wimer

A hog farmer decided one morning to attend a church in town.  He went into town in his work clothes smelling remarkably like his hog pen.
The church folks were outraged at the smell. The pastor said to the farmer: "The next time you come here, ask the Lord what you should wear."  The farmer agreed.

The following Sunday the farmer returned to the same church ...in his work clothes. The pastor asked: "What did the Lord say?" The farmer replied, "The Lord said he had never been to this church and didn't know what to wear."   submitted by Pastor Stein

A young boy called the pastor of a local "corner" church to ask the pastor to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu. The pastor knew the family and was aware they had been attending another church down the road. So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother Simon down the road to come by to pray with your mom?"
The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever it is that Mom has."

This site cracks us up............hehheeeeeeee.    God Bless,  Don and Karen

http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/

The Catholic Dog
A farmer lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he loved dearly. One day the dog died and the farmer went to the parish priest, inquiring if a mass could be for the dead pet.  Father Patrick told the farmer: "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." The farmer said: "Thanks, I'll go right away. By the way, do you think 50,000 is enough to donate for such a service?" to which Father Patrick replied: "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

A THIRD GRADERS EXPLANATION OF GOD

Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California, for his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God."

One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth.  He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off.  God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church. Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.

His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did.  And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times.

You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can.  It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.  But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.

And that's why I believe in God."

LUTHERAN AIRLINES, INC.

If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline. You're all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting experience.  There is no First Class on any Lutheran Air flight.  Meals are potluck.  Rows 1-6, bring rolls, 7-15 bring a salad, 16-21 a main dish, and  22-30 a dessert.  Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the  aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.  All fares are by freewill offering and the plane will not land until the budget is met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you with the safety system aboard this Lutheran Air 599.   Okay then, listen up: I'm only gonna say this once.  In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so will Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably
indicate the Second Coming or something of that nature, and I wouldn't bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes.  You're gonna have bigger things to worry about than that.  Just stuff those back up in their little holes.

Probably the masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest with you, we're going to have quite a bit of at 2000 feet...  sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In the event of a water landing, I'd say forget it.  Start saying the Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which isn't right, but what can you do?

The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because  they may interfere with the plane's navigational system, which is seat of the pants all the way...   no, it's because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mouth on the side of your head. We're going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with the coffee pot up front.  Then we'll have the hymn sing...  hymnals in the seat pocket in front of you.  Don't take yours with you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kidding!

Right now I'll say Grace...  "Come Lord Jesus be our guest and let these gifts to us be blest.  Father, Son and Holy Ghost, may we land in Duluth or pretty close.  Amen."

A father wanted to read the paper, but was being bothered by his little
daughter, Vanessa. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his magazine, on
which was printed the map of the world. Tearing it into small pieces, he
gave it to Vanessa, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can
put this together."

After a few minutes, Vanessa returned and handed him the map correctly
fitted together.  The father was surprised and asked how she had
finished so quickly.

"Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper was a picture of Jesus.
When I got Jesus in His place, then the world came out all right."

God Bless.....   Have a great day, Don and Karen

 

An elderly lady was on a flight.  She was sitting beside a young businessman.
After the in-flight meal she took out her Bible and starts her devotion. 
The businessman glances at her and said.   Do you really believe the things in the Bible are true?
"Well, yes, as a matter of fact I do," said the lady.
"Yeah, right..." the man scoffs, "like... what's that guy's name, the one who got  swallowed by a whale..."
"You mean Jonah?"
"Yeah, Jonah, I mean, how did he actually survive for 3 days in a fish's bowel?"
"I don't know," replied the lady, "but I can ask him when I see him in heaven  someday."
Feeling smart, the young man said: "Ok, but what if he's not in heaven because he  went to hell?"
"Then young man, *you* can ask him" replied the old lady calmly.

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.  She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"   God Bless,  Don and Karen

Two small boys were a constant problem for the pastor, and the parents did nothing to correct them.  So the pastor asked his assistant, if the boys were disruptive at the morning service, to take them to his office and have them wait for him.  Sure enough the boys showed up with their usual vigor.  After a short while of talking and laughing and making airplanes out of bulletins, the assistant took the boys to the pastors office.  When the pastor came after the service he took little Billy in the office with him and asked, "Billy, do you know where God is?"(wanting him to realize he was in God's house).  Billy didn't even look up and remained silent. "Billy do you know where God is?" the pastor repeated.  "Billy I'm going to ask you one more time, Do you know..."  Billy jumped up , ran out the door, grabbed his buddy and yelled "Lets get out of here!"  They ran all the way to Billy's house, into his bedroom, and Billy began to pack his clothes.  His buddy asked him, "What did the preacher say?"  Billy said, "God is missing and he thinks we know where he is!!"

TOP TEN THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR NOSE WHEN YOU’RE BORED…

10) Look down it at somebody (Pride)

09) Poke it into someone else’s business (Strife / Dissension)

08) Snoop around with it (Nosey / Gossip)

07) Get it out of joint (Anger)

06) Cut it off to spite your face (Bitterness)

05) Pay through it (Materialism)

04) Find something right under it (Love / Salvation)

03) See past it (Eternity / Hope)

02) Keep it clean (Humility / Obedience)

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TO DO WITH YOUR NOSE…

01) Get it stuck in a book (The Bible!) CLEVE BISHOP

I heard this one time in a sermon..........When my daughter was about three I took her to bed and asked what she would like to pray about.  Promptly she answered: "onions."  We prayed about onions and the next morning I asked why she wanted to pray about onions.  "Because you said in your sermon that we should pray for things we dont like."

....The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes.  He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone's feelings.  He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church janitor.

....The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the parish.  He is 29 years old and has 40 years' worth of experience.  Above all, he is handsome.

....The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teen-agers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens.  He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his parish. He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.

....The Perfect Pastor always has time for parish council and all of it's committees.  He never misses the meeting of any parish organization, and is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.

....The Perfect Pastor is always in the next parish over!

If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other parishes that are tired of their pastor too.  Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the parish at the top of your list.  If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1, 643 pastors.  One of them should be perfect. 

Have faith in this letter.  One parish broke the chain and got its' old pastor back in less than three months.

-by Father McGinn

Report from the Pastor Search Committee:

We do not have a happy report to give.   We have not been able to find a
suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect.
Thank you for your suggestions.   We have followed up on each one with
interviews or by calling at least three references. The following is our
confidential report.

ADAM: Good man but has problems with his wife. One reference told us how he
and his wife enjoyed walking nude in the woods.
NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic
building  projects.

JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart; believes in dream interpreting and
has a prison record.
MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator; even stutters at times.
Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings. Some say he
left an earlier church over a murder charge.

DEBORAH: One word --- Female.
DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he
had with his neighbor's wife.

SOLOMON: Great preacher, but serious woman problem.
ELIJAH: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.
HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle his
wife's occupation.

JONAH: Told us he was swallowed up by a great fish. He said the fish later
spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished.  With some
seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a hang-up against
wealthy people.
 
JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but doesn't dress like one.  May be too
Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he gets
excited. You know we limit to one hand. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird
diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper, even said to have cursed. He's a
loose cannon.

PAUL: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. However, he's short on
tact,  unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach
all night.
TIMOTHY: Too young.
 
JESUS: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000, He
managed to offend them all; and his church dwindled down to twelve people.
Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he is single.
JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good
connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this
Sunday in view of a call.

 

A brand new pastor came out to his first church.  As usually seems to be the case, several of the Great Old Saints waited for their new pastor to die.   Consequently in four weeks he did eight funerals.  He did not have time to write his regular Sunday Sermons.  So he used the sermon from the Sunady before - 3 more times.  The Council went to the Bishop complaining that this new pastor had used the same sermon 4 times in a row.  The Bishop asked what the sermon was about.   The Council couldn't remember, they scratched their heads and hemmed and hawed - but they really couldn't remember.  The Bishop said, "Let him use it one more time."